I didn’t. It wasn’t him that needed the heart or mindset change—it was me. Now hear me out, I am not by any means, claiming to have a perfect marriage or have it all figured out. Far from it, but my husband and I are super intentional about trying to be a better spouse than we were the day before. We are always striving to serve one another, and when we fall short, staying humble in the criticism. That certainly didn’t happen overnight; but after 13 years, lots of tears, a lot of fights, and taking the log out of my own eye, I have arrived here. I always take the opportunity to ask couples who have been married for a long time, if there is one piece of advice they could give for a successful marriage. Almost every one of them responds: be the first to apologize.There is so much wisdom in that! It also means that you need to have an ability to see fault within yourself, but there was a time, I wasn’t so open to accepting that. It would mean that I would need to take off my self-centered blinders to see it was me who needed to be brought down a couple of notches from my high horse of thinking that I was the perfect spouse who did everything and how lucky my husband was to have a wife like me.
I’ll give you a great example of a time I vividly remember: There was a season when I tried to do everything in my own strength, having a mindset that I could do it all myself, and had a comparative to performance attitude on almost every level of partnership and parenting. Life and our marriage was so centered around me, it is a miracle my husband loved me so well through it. We were ships passing in the night and just as soon as he would come home from work, I would head out the door to work myself. I would give my husband instructions about the kids (I didn’t trust that he would be able to get through the evening without my wealth of parenting knowledge, as if he wasn't just as much of their parent as I was, #releasecontrollady.) and pass them off as I headed out. Without fail, every time I would come home, the house would be a disaster. The dishes, oh the dishes. Like, it almost warranted questioning about how it was even humanly possible to have collected so many dirty dishes in the short amount of time I was gone. Instantly, my mind turned to Negative Nancy and it spiraled from there. I would begin to tell myself how unhelpful he was as a partner—he was so inconsiderate to not even have done the dishes upon my arrival home. Here I am, taking care of the kids all day, keeping the house in order, getting dinner ready and then running out the door for work. All he did was go to work and come home to take care of the kids...how difficult can it be? Friends, let me tell you something, this was a really bad place to be. Lies, lies and more lies. Each time, I would bottle up my feelings and stuff them deep down inside—a really terrible approach that would later result in an explosion—and eventually, I lost it. Trust me when I tell you, the explosion won’t fix the issues that lie within, but will leave your spouse feeling pretty deflated and less than. When we make everything about us and what our spouse isn’t doing, it can really cloud all the things they really do bring to the table.
I realized that the reason I was projecting all this blame and disrespect to my husband, was because inside, I was feeling inadequate and defeated. I had an overwhelming feeling that I hadn’t been measuring up to the impossible standard of doing it all and conforming to a world view, convincing myself that I needed more. A sweet friend—well-seasoned in marriage and a heart on fire for the Lord—asked me if I wanted to change the situation or sit in it? Well, of course I wanted a change! Great! Sign me up! What does he need to do? In that naive belief that this had nothing to do with me and all to do with him, I started to see the reality for what it really was. She helped me see that in all of this, it was me who needed to evaluate my heart and that I wasn’t trusting that if I fulfilled my calling as a wife, prayed to have a grateful heart and intentionally changed my mindset to stay fixed on all the things he did well instead of the couple of things he didn’t, God would change the situation. It was me needing a heart change, a complete home makeover, if you will, for God to work.
As I began to do this, I started to realize that the reason he did not have a chance to get to the dishes was because he chose to play with the kids, investing the little time he did have after a long day of work, playing with them while they were awake, instead of tidying the kitchen. A father who created memories and fully invested in his children—that was an answer to a prayer I had prayed many times in my life. I missed that by focusing on me, focusing on all the ways my husband wasn’t measuring to a standard I wasn’t even vocal about him needing to fulfill, instead of counting my blessings that my children had such a hands-on father. I am thankful God allowed me to see that trusting in Him and praying about it instead of complaining about it, went a lot farther than nagging and wanting the control. I prayed fervently for help to be grateful and thankful in all things and to focus on all the things he does well, instead of all the things he didn’t. I started praying for my husband: not out of manipulation, not how I wanted to conform him to be, but I prayed that God would mold him into the leader, husband and father he was made to be. If I trusted that God put us together in this marriage and as parents, I needed to trust he would do just that.
My husband pulls so much of the weight around here and loves me through all stages. He is such an encouraging and supportive partner. He always assures me that I could do anything and never points out the negative, or difficulties a challenge might bring, like 90% of the population. A husband that gets it and is accepting on the days I do not have it all together, when the house is a wreck and I am still in my pajamas upon his arrival home from work. Letting God truly become the center of our marriage, allowed us the ability to identify triggers and talk about things that may bother us, instead of bottling them up and hardening our hearts towards one another. You want to know an even bigger blessing...we are able to see the growth in one another and remember why we fell in love with each other. We strive to continue out-serving one another to keep our marriage healthy and thriving.
If you are finding yourself in a place of unhappiness in your marriage, I would highly recommend looking within yourself before casting the blame on your spouse. Make a list of all the reasons you love them. Go above and beyond, not to selfishly receive something in return, but because you love them and you know how much they appreciate it. It’s in moments like these we remember that we may not be perfect, but we are certainly perfect for each other.
And just to leave you with a little humor—because God is a pretty funny guy—guess who cannot stand to have dishes in the sink, like ever? Yep, my husband. He even reloads the dishwasher when I load it because it is not quite up to his standards. Ha!
